Ten Rules for Dating Troll's Daughters
From Father Abouna, ten rules for dating a Military Daughter.
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Thank you Father Abouna!
Old Grizzly Mama is still in recovery mode after last week's state testing, surgery, hellish trip in the ice storm Friday night, and trip to Washington DC and back. It just takes a bit longer for me than it used to. Tomorrow is the big handbell concert and I am praying that the 6 y/old doesn't chicken out. I told her, 'Cry, ring the wrong bells - I don't care! No matter what you do everyone will love it.' I think she is afraid of screwing up and then she is afraid of starting to cry from nerves. So - we'll see what happens. A friend of mine and her kids are coming along to cheer them on since Troll cannot get away from work.
Think of us tomorrow and say a little prayer for us!
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Thank you Father Abouna!
Old Grizzly Mama is still in recovery mode after last week's state testing, surgery, hellish trip in the ice storm Friday night, and trip to Washington DC and back. It just takes a bit longer for me than it used to. Tomorrow is the big handbell concert and I am praying that the 6 y/old doesn't chicken out. I told her, 'Cry, ring the wrong bells - I don't care! No matter what you do everyone will love it.' I think she is afraid of screwing up and then she is afraid of starting to cry from nerves. So - we'll see what happens. A friend of mine and her kids are coming along to cheer them on since Troll cannot get away from work.
Think of us tomorrow and say a little prayer for us!
posted by Grizzly Mama | 23:42
22 Comments:
You got my prayers. Tell the 6yr. old that I said good luck. Maybe her guardian angel will help with the bells.
Thanks for the link.
God Bless you all
That is rather beautiful. Words for me to print out and frame to bear in mind should the good Lord ever bless me with daughter(s).
Good luck and best wishes to the cub! I'm sure she'll do great.
it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.
Hehehe.
Years ago, when such baggy pants became fashionable for boys, one boy is my classroom just couldn't resist the temptation to yank down his classmate's trousers when Droopy Drawers walked down the aisle. As the school had a dress code banning baggy pants, we didn't punish the one who couldn't resist temptation.
Monica,
Hoping that you've recovered from all the many events of the past week!
I agree with all ten of those things. LOL.. I have a hard time imagining my girls dating though. Not yet at least. Hope you are doing well. It sounds like you had one heck of a weekend last week. Well hope you are better soon.
Tell your cub that it's better to cry than vomit. Z gets extremely nauseous when he gets nervous.
LOL about the rules! We haven't laid eyes on our ex-son-in-law since our daughter caught him cheating on her. That's probably the only reason he's still walking around in one piece! ;)
You got my prayers!
I can identify with #1...when my now son-in-law showed for my daughter the first time he blew and cranked his radio.
About 30 minutes later he had to come see what was taking so long...there I was waiting to explain.
Thanks y'all! LOL. We're still alive.
Father Abouna - I forwarded the information about Guardian Angels to her earlier today. I think it may have helped.
Mr Smith - Yes. Words to live by. Troll has often made comments that they will never be allowed to date. Y'see - he was a bad, bad boy when he was a teenager. He knows what those young men have on their mind!
AOW - I cannot stand seeing those young men looking like that with the baggy pants. How stupid is that??! Frequently I will yell at them up at the corner store, 'Pull your pants up - you look stupid!' We've been tired and Troll had his cast messed with and x-rayed etc. We wouldn't have missed it for the world though. It was great and we are so glad that we went.
Thank you Tweetey. Yes - your babies are still very young! Now that my oldest is pushing 11 and all those changes have just begun - well. It's a little scary. ;-)
Tshsmom - OMG! I had an absolutely horrifying thought right as they were parading her choir up to perform - and it had to do with vomit!!! LOL. She held it together thank GOD. She did cry at first - and then froze when she was supposed to pick her chimes up - but then after the director's sister very kindly lit a fire under her ass she was fine! Their choir got off to a bit of a rocky start but once they started concentrating on the music they got right into it. The applause completely surprised them - lol! They loved it. They sounded beautiful.
Musy - lol. It took him 1/2 hour, huh? Sheesh. Thanks for visiting - you are going on my sidebar - love your blog(s).
This sidebar is getting out of hand. I guess I have to get that thingamajig that lists out blogs and stuff without all that spacing in between. I've been meaning to do that for a couple of years, now...
K loves to sing but our church we got to I have explained doesnt have an actual church yet. They are trying to build one. Well anyway. I have a hard time imagining any of the kids dating. I mean we have like 12 nieces and nephews including our two on our side and the two oldest will be 12 at the end of April and in August. Other than that the rest are small yet.
Glad to hear she had a good time with the choir though. Now she wont be so nervous next time.
recitals are tough. She's part of a group right? I always had to do my piano recitals solo.
Glad you're recovering from your wild week. I'm missing not having a mass protest to cover today.
We should do one every Saturday.
Thanks Tweetey. I thought the same - she had to get this first one under her belt. They were tickled with the applause!
Mike - it was with a group. I played mostly with an orchestra but I performed a quite a few solos when I got older.
I hear you on the protest. Perhaps you can cover Philly on July 4th this year? Cindy Sheewitch is coming to the City of Brotherly Love. Maybe I can even get this 'moblogging' thing figured out. ;-)
Way to go Monica I love the attitude!
I was like that with myself! With very high standards.
Oh Dagney - you're involved in such a good service. I am glad that you are there to support these men and women. Troll's girls are his pride and joy and when they were babies - Daddy was number one. lol. They're going to be a handful when they are dating, though. They're gorgeous - don't know how they turned out so cute with me and Troll as their parents!
Dcat - thanks! Well - we have to be picky, don't we?!
OT, you're tagged.
I only have sons...so won't ever have to deal with the horror of a dating daughter, but boy did I laugh! A good list of rules that I've forwarded to my friends with girls.
This link is unrelated (kinda) to kids, but I thought you might enjoy it if you haven't read it yet.
http://mypetjawa.mu.nu/archives/187006.php
I see Mr. Smith tagged you! :) I look forward to your list of weird.
Daphne you may not have the horrors o dating daughters but you are on the recieving end of those boys if they do something the daughter doesnt like that they are dating like a broken heart. LOL.. I didnt mean it any other way but a broken heart. I know it started out bad and thats not what I meant. LOL.. Have fun with your kids though. I have two girls myself. Six and almost three already.
Sorry MOnica. I wasnt degrading her. I just thought it was funny when she said she didnt have to deal with the horrors. Sure people with boys dont have to worry about girls honking the horn and just showing up like us with girls but then again sometimes the girls pick up the guys so in a sense yes she does. But again its a nice post.
Regarding Rule 3, whenever I see one of these kids with their pants hanging low I usually ask "Didn't the store have any in your size?" Great post.
Funny post. Hope all goes well with the recovery.
My husband actually wants to get a rifle just so he can be sitting in his chair cleaning it when potential boyfriends arrive.
He also wants to get her a big, Kujo like dog who is to accompany her everywhere. The more possessively jealous, the better.
Cubed here.
LOVE THE TEN RULES! Brilliant!
Surgery? I wish you a speedy recovery - it sounds as if your week was really loaded!
Both my girls were in band, and I remember SO many times when they were shakey and kind of green. Still, they loved it (most of the time). It sounds as if your little one made it through just fine. I understand stage fright...
My daughter just had her second, a little girl, a few days ago, and was reminiscing about how worried she already was about dating. She's 38 now, and said she understands what I was all worried about when she was "finding herself" and "being free" back in her teenage/young adult years (her words).
Oh, and as soon as they were ready to go, the new baby's "big" (two years old) brother said, "OK, let's go home now. She (pointing at the baby) can stay here." Looks like the sibling rivalry has begun early! My guess, though, is that he will be right there with his dad, implementing the Ten Rules!
AOW,
"As the school had a dress code banning baggy pants, we didn't punish the one who couldn't resist temptation."
LOVE THAT! I'll bet you who were in a position to mete out punishment were SO grateful for the dress code!
Monicar,
"Now that my oldest is pushing 11 and all those changes have just begun - well. It's a little scary."
Just grit your teeth and hang in there; chances are she'll survive, and by the time she's 30, you can both pretty much relax... That's about when she'll begin to decide you were pretty smart after all!
Cubed here.
PS - DagneyT, I love the name! Is it yours for real, or is it from a book?
LOL Cubed!
Isn't it amazing how smart we became after our daughter's got out on their own?
Mr Smith - I haven't forgotten about you! Well - - okay. I did forget about being tagged but now I remember and I will do the tag. This weekend. I'm sorry...
Daphne - I have friends who have teenage sons. Watch out for those girls!!! They go after those boys. They do things I would never have thought about doing. LOL! (and I was pretty bad!)
Tweetey - not to worry. It didn't sound like you were degrading her at all.
Uncle Crazy - They sure look stupid, don't they?
Thanks Mr. GG.
I hear you Dana. I think we are going to have to set that up at our house, too. lol.
Cubed - Congratulations on your newest granddaughter! Too funny about her big brother. Thinking back I imagine that I was pretty worrisome to my mother. When I had the kids, though, is when I was totally amazed at how my own mother raised 8 kids. I can hardly do 2!
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